May We Meet Again
by okami93
Summary: This is a small story about the first days on the ring, written from Bellamy's POV. After the kind of devastating Season Finale of S4, I just wanted to dive into the Bellarke feelings a bit :) The Chapters are connected but could also be stand-alone One-Shots. I wanted to publish this before S5 starts, so maybe I'll still add some chapters later. For now, it's finished :)
1. Chapter 1 - Like A Whisper

_Author's note: As always, I simply wrote this because I am a Bellarke fan. I love this show and it's characters and I try to describe them as much in character as possible, but sometimes a fangirl needs to give in to creativity and turn more to the Bellarke side than the show probably would ;) So: No hate please ;)_

 _It's not as long or as elaborate as I once intended, but S 5 is on the way, so I just wanted to give you the chance to read this beforehand._

 _I also want to add that I am not a native speaker, so please be patient with any mistakes that might appear._

 _This story is dedicated to a good friend of mine; a huge Clexa admirer who still reads every story I publish, no matter how "Bellarkish" it is. Thanks for your support, and "Ste yuj"!_

* * *

 ** _Chapter One – Like A Whisper_**

 _As his eyes fell closed his constant worries for his sister materialized in visions of her death, caused by the radiation. Her eyes were searching for his as she gasped in pain. Her face was covered in blisters and her hair was matted to her forehead as she was sweating profusely. Subconsciously Bellamy – of course – expected her hair to be black and braided. Yet as he watched her, he realized it was a light blonde, slightly wavy even._ Her _name came to his mind and right as he wanted to say it out loud, he suddenly found that it really was Clarke looking at him. She was just as sick as Octavia had been, coughing up blood. It left dark trails running down her pale neck. Her whole body was trembling violently. Bellamy reached out, trying to comfort her, to help her in any way. But just as his fingertips were about to reach her, she was gone. Gone like a whisper that had faded in the dark of the night._

His eyes opened heavily as his mind slowly brought him back to reality. He was lying on his bed in one of the Rooms in the Ring. And Clarke wasn't there. Seeing her in such pain had shocked him. Bellamy wiped a hand across his face, just like he always did when he felt stressed, and found his brow was covered in sweat. He thought about trying to get more sleep but felt too wide awake and restless.

Deep inside he somehow felt the urgent need to look down on earth, so he got dressed and opened the door of his sleeping room. Right outside on the opposite wall was one of the larger windows. Up until now Bellamy had carefully avoided the view, apart from his conversation with Raven earlier that day. It only reminded him of what he had left behind… _who_ he had left behind without a chance to say goodbye.

After this nightmare however, earth drew his gaze like a magnet. Bellamy couldn't resist the urge and stood in front of the window. In some regions the raging fires had already ceased. It looked almost peaceful. Quiet… and dead. He felt a pain in his heart he had never felt before. A tear ran down his cheek. At that moment he felt he wouldn't have cared a bit if he had been caught in Praimfaya just as long as he could've stayed. At least that way he would've had a chance to say goodbye to the people he cared about most. He knew Octavia and the others in the bunker were probably okay since the bunker had been fully operational.

But that was just the thing with people you care about: Even when chances are high that they didn't get in harm's way … you will never stop worrying entirely. Octavia was always on his mind. Yet his thoughts kept returning to Clarke more frequently. Her nightblood might have saved Luna but was it still strong enough when only being injected instead of inherited?

" _Clarke, it's safer on our side" he pleaded with her as she dropped her pack only a few paces away from the grounders. "We need to trust them, Bellamy. There are no more sides." Clarke held his gaze for a moment longer, determined, and went to lie down. Bellamy turned back to "their" side before he followed her example reluctantly. If she wanted to do this, he would, too. But only to keep her safe…_

" _How did you know it was Gustus?" Lincoln's question brought out more answers than Bellamy had wanted to give: "He'd do anything for her. Protect her." As he said this, Bellamy realized that deep inside, he was no longer talking about Gustus and Lexa… Octavia seemed to grasp the hidden meaning behind his words. But something inside of him rebelled against the thought of her drawing conclusions about a feeling he himself could neither place nor was even sure it existed. To distract both Octavia and himself from this train of thought, Bellamy added a little louder: "Just makes sense."_

Bellamy realized that, over time, he had become just as protective of Clarke as he had been of Octavia. His thoughts returned to when they were to dine with Lexa to honor their freshly made truce: _Bellamy might not have sat next to Clarke at the table, but the instant they all realized Gustus had been poisoned, he was by her side, knocking the cup out of her hands. Clarke had held the cup at her side; she hadn't even brought it anywhere close to her lips but Bellamy's instincts made him react way faster than anyone else in the room..._

Later that day, when Clarke had told Lexa the poison hadn't been in the bottle, Bellamy's utter faith in her judgement had been the only thing keeping him from knocking the bottle out of her hands, too. _As Bellamy watched closely, Clarke took a sip of the supposedly poisoned drink; he held his breath without realizing it…_

"You should go." Her words hadn't exactly come unexpected that night. And he had agreed. But the lack of emotion in Clarkes voice had made Bellamy question her: "I thought you hated that plan? That I'd get myself killed."

Her answer, again rid of any emotion, had only confused him further: "I was being weak."  
Just as he had been about to ask her what she thought she had been weak about, Clarke had added in her usual leader's voice: "It's worth the risk."…

 _Supplying him with a map and a very brief instruction, she briskly wished him good luck. Without looking at Bellamy so much more than a second, Clarke left. For a moment, he felt hurt by her seemingly uncaring demeanor. But then he remembered how hard she seemingly had to try to keep her emotions in check. On this night it became clear to Bellamy that putting on a mask was the only way for her to be able to make such a decision. Clarke had just lost someone very close to her. He understood how hard it had to be for her to now send another friend into harm's way intentionally. It was a decision leaders had to make but he admired Clarke for being able to do it at times like these…_

Following his thoughts, other memories came into his mind, unbidden and - he hesitated to admit it - painful.

" _Bellamy?" He let out a breath he hadn't realized he had been holding. "Clarke?" His voice wouldn't obey him completely as her name fell from his lips. He had never felt this relieved to hear her speak. Both their nerves were frayed, both voices shaking just the tiniest bit as they quickly exchanged information and tried to figure out what Bellamy could do from the inside to help the rest of the 100; apparently, their situation was more dangerous than expected…_

" _Trojan horse… Good plan." "What does Maya think? Is it doable?" Maya shook her head, but Bellamy was in no way ready to give up. Despite that, he also knew Clarke was worried enough; but he needed her to be strong and confident if they wanted to pull this off on their own… The lie came easily: "She says it's not a problem."_

 _After finishing the plan for their next steps, she called his name in a softer tone: "Bellamy?" She was talking to him as her friend now. "You came through. I knew you would."_ The faith she placed in him had never swayed.

 _For the smallest instant Bellamy allowed his insecurity to show: "All I've done so far is not get killed." Again, she helped him by falling back into her leader's role: "Keep doing that."_

Bellamy began to shiver involuntarily as his loss suddenly became much clearer to him than he wanted it to be…

 _Bellamy had been awake for a while but allowed his eyes to stay closed for a while longer. When Clarke had sat down earlier to write the list she had gladly accepted his offer to keep her company. He didn't want her to be all alone when having to make such difficult decisions. Clarke however, had also told him at least one of them should get some rest. He knew she felt it was her task to make the list, and although he wanted to help her, Bellamy knew she wouldn't let him. Reluctantly, he had stayed on the small couch while she sat on the other side of the room. Clarke had pulled out a long sheet of paper and had begun looking through her notes. Although they didn't speak, there was a silent understanding that he was there for her if she wanted or needed his advice. As Bellamy had let his eyes fell close for a while, the scratching of Clarkes pen, the rustling of papers and the muted sounds of people working outside lulled him into sleep…_

 _Now he heard something different… An almost inaudible sob. Bellamy opened his eyes and got up. Clarke was holding a hand to her head and tears were glistening in her eyes. She swallowed, looked up at him and back down on the list. When he saw his own name on the 99_ _th_ _spot, he understood why she was crying._

Back then he had written down her name, because she couldn't. And now she had done what he couldn't have. She had stayed, facing death and saving them once again. She had always been ready to sacrifice herself. When they had finished the list, he had thought she would be safe, that he could stop her from giving her life. It had all been in vain because now, he couldn't save her.

Now, she was dead and he was alive and it was like the list she had made. Then, he had told Clarke he wouldn't leave her, that they had to get through this together, whether to live or to die. That there was no way he would take a spot on a list where Clarkes name wasn't included.

And here he was, without her and just like Bellamy had feared on this seemingly endless time ago in their office in Arkadia, he just didn't know how to get through this.

" _You still have hope?" she asked him, tears in her eyes. "Are we still breathing?"_ What a stupid answer. He had been so naïve. Life was about so much more than just breathing. Just like they had done so much more for each other than just working together to survive.

Bellamy didn't hide the tears that were rolling down his face. He wouldn't. Clarke had done more than just keeping them alive. She had kept them together and sane, no matter what they had had to face. She had kept him sane even when his own sister had despised him.

Earth looked so dead to him. Bellamy just couldn't imagine Clarke was still alive, no matter how much he wished for it. He felt his heart break just a bit more than it already had as he could see her before his inner eye: Lying on the ground, as dead and motionless as the world around her, covered in radiation burns and the blood she had coughed up…

 _Bellamy was shocked. Simply shocked when Clarke tore off the helmet of her suit. "Clarke, what are you doing?!" She inhaled deeply, but he could hear a trace of fear in her voice: "I have nightblood."_

" _Untested nightblood!" He wanted to shake her, but before he could question her any further, Clarke stated matter-of-factly: "We're testing it now."_

 _Bellamy would have given her his suit if it had helped. But he knew what would happen if he did. That made it all the harder for him when Clarke suddenly began coughing up blood. With shaking hands, he held the radio and urged Monty to hurry up…_

He would never forget that sight; or her pale face as they were preparing the rocket.

 _Sweat covered her brow, and her skin had turned almost as white as the walls of the lab they were in. "So is cold sweat." Gently, he reached out to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. At that moment, he just couldn't help himself. He wanted to comfort her, to help her in any way possible. Bellamy was worried about her condition; even though Clarke hadn't allowed herself to show any weakness, Bellamy knew her enough to see she was sick and getting weaker…_

Although Bellamy knew he needed the rest if he wanted to be of any use tomorrow he remained on his spot for a long time, always gazing down on earth. How was it that earth could be seen so clearly and yet _feel_ so far away?

He didn't know how much time had passed, and truth be told he didn't really care, but a while later his legs began to feel heavy, so Bellamy dragged himself back into his room, practically falling onto his bed. The visions of the two women dying just wouldn't leave his mind. He felt a chill come over him and covered himself in a warmer blanket. Eventually he again fell into a restless sleep.


	2. Chapter 2 - Dream Or Reality?

_**Chapter 2 – Dream or Reality?**_

When Bellamy woke up he was covered in sweat again. Still, he felt oddly cold. Letting his gaze wander aimlessly, his eyes fell on a door that had been built into the wall. Every bedroom on the Ark had had a wardrobe like this one. They were part of the walls that separated the living quarters from another; space after all had been precious and very limited.

Bellamy guessed there still had to be some clothes left in it since the final evacuation of the Ark had happened quite fast. None of the Arks inhabitants would've had time to pack all of their belongings. After slowly getting up from his bed, Bellamy opened the wardrobe and found at least some clothing: An extra pair of boots and two worn down, thin sweaters. That was all that the people who had spent their lives here had left behind. He took one of the sweaters and put it on.

It felt odd to him, getting dressed in a room on the Ark. Almost as if everything that had happened on earth had only been a dream. Bellamy stopped in his movements. It had been all too real. The people he had left behind that were either struggling to survive in a bunker or the ones that were already dead… like her… He swallowed past the lump in his throat before turning his back on the wardrobe, mentally preparing to get to their meeting, and left his bedroom.

As Bellamy started to make his way down the corridor, he tried to focus on the things they needed to discuss and work on today in order to survive. They had all agreed to daily meetings in the morning before breakfast to set up agendas and address any problems that might come up. Seven minds would work better than two; yet still, it was an unspoken agreement that Raven and Bellamy still were their leaders.

* * *

After Raven had passed out instructions and explained what each of them would have to work on today they sat down for breakfast. All of them were hungry but the room remained silent, each of the survivors still trying to process what had happened.

To Bellamy, food at first didn't seem very appealing. But he reminded himself that Octavia was on the ground, waiting for him. _If she is still alive by then_. The thought came unbidden into his mind and he tried to push it away, focusing instead of the promise of being reunited with his sister. He took a few spoons of their breakfast; some kind of military ration that – mixed with water – was similar to porridge. Bellamy quickly finished eating, gave a short goodbye to the others and headed off to the office like room he shared with Monty and Raven. They would at first need to run some calculations and check all the systems before beginning to plan rationing and word duties for everyone else.

* * *

He had finished his work in silence. Raven and Monty didn't try to talk to him either, conversing with each other only when necessary. They wanted to give him the space he needed. All of them still had to come to grips with the magnitude of what had happened, with their small victory in their fight for survival and what it had cost them.

Now Bellamy was on his way to his room, leaving the others to talk a bit among themselves. He felt dead tired. In addition, he also didn't feel like chatting with anyone about what had happened. Having all seen the fires there would only be two things to talk about, and he wasn't keen to think about either: The bunker and the nightblood solution. They would all be trying to cheer themselves up with hopeful thoughts that the bunker had been fully operational and that nightblood had already saved Luna. Bellamy couldn't stand the idea of getting his hopes up when most of the time he felt like Praimfaya had looked too deadly for any living thing or any building to outlast it. Every time Bellamy allowed himself to feel the tiniest bit of hope that the bunker might have survived, he remembered the flaming inferno that was covering the earth right now. As little as he wanted to think about it, his head told him to accept that Clarke just couldn't be alive anymore and that the chances were high his sister hadn't survived either.

" _Eighteen dead." "Eighty-two alive. You did good here Bellamy."_ How she believed in him even when he himself could not. He had always drawn strength from that. But now, Bellamy didn't feel like he had done good. All he felt was the crushing thought that he had failed her. Again. After all they had already been through.

" _I swear to God, if your mom doesn't sanction the mission, I'll be going by myself." "You won't be by yourself." Such a simple statement from her._ Yet Bellamy had held onto it all this time, until now. Now he was by himself. His friends might be on the Ring with him but he needed Clarke, his trusted, strong co-leader… he needed his head.

These depressing thoughts weighed heavily on Bellamy's mind but he knew he had to do what Clarke told him: He needed to use his head if he wanted them to survive this. Right now, this meant that he had to push the fears that were constantly distracting him out of his mind and begin to focus on living through the next five years. The time to grieve had not yet come. _A warrior doesn't mourn the dead until after the battle is finished._ Octavia… Bellamy took a deep breath to clear his head and opened the door to his room.

For a moment he thought about getting the sweater off but as soon as he lay in bed, a shiver ran up his spine. Those sensations seemed to become a habit lately and Bellamy found himself wondering if he would ever feel really warm again. Loneliness overcame him and the never changing light in space made him miss the moon, the sun and the clouds; the light and the darkness they cast over the earth's surface. Being away from earth and the people he cared about that he had left there, Bellamy felt strangely removed from life itself; like he could just lay down here and never wake up again and no one would notice.

Pulling the sheets up he shook his head. There _were_ people up here with him that were alive and cared about him. They were depending on him. Trying to regain the smallest bit of resolve he closed his eyes. However, as soon as he did, Bellamy saw the burning planet before his inner eye and every piece of hope he had had left shattered like breaking glass.

 _He caught her gazing into the thick green of the forest. Her eyes were widened and she looked like she had seen a ghost. Bellamy could imagine what was haunting her. He wanted to help Clarke. "Hey" he spoke up. Clarke quickly turned to look at him. At least he had been able to shake her out of her frightening thoughts. "Are you doing alright?" Bellamy continued, his voice a little softer. There it was again, her glancing quickly into the forest. Maybe she_ _really_ _had seen a ghost…_

 _Just a moment later Clarkes eyes were fixed on the road ahead again. "Yeah" she answered abruptly. She was trying to cover her fear with bravery, strength and lack of emotion, just like she always did when others were around. Bellamy however, saw right through her. And as strange it sounded to himself, it wasn't until she had embraced him so wholeheartedly in Camp Jaha that Bellamy realized how much he needed her not only as a team-member and co-leader, but as his friend. They had grown closer after being separated and all he wanted was to help her out of the dark that seemed to envelop them ever since their landing on earth._

" _You did the right thing." He tried to reassure her softly. "Now I get to live with it." was her harsh answer. She still tried to hide her emotions._ Maybe that had been the reason why her answer to his plan of sneaking into Mount Weather would be carved into his memory forever. _"I can't loose you too, okay?" After her abrupt tone before, Clarke said this in a soft, almost pleading voice. He had been almost brash, telling her he wouldn't take orders from her. And then there she was, looking at him almost at the verge of tears._ One of those rare times when Clarke had let her guard down for the smallest of moments; a second where Bellamy got to see the real Clarke and didn't have to try and look past a façade. Although those moments had come more often through time, now he was left wishing he could've experienced more. For her to trust him more often and vice versa. Bellamy wished he had had more time with her after she had left Arkadia. Now, he had left her; it had been the one thing Clarke had admitted she wouldn't be able to bear. And she had done so long before their friendship had begun to grow as strong and deep as it had in the weeks before Praimfaya. _I can't lose you too._ But she had. In the end she had lost him and that had probably been one of her last thoughts in life.

Tears leaked from behind his eyelids. Bellamy just lay there until sleep overwhelmed him.

His breathing hitched and his eyelids fluttered: It was the same dream that had already haunted him last night. Octavia dying. Clarke dying. Again he tried to reach out to her but she disappeared once more.

"Bellamy, are you there?" He tried to turn around to where her voice had come from but instead found himself standing in the throne room in Polis. Bellamy was holding onto Clarkes hand as she took the flame. Within seconds her whole body began to tremble violently. He felt for sure Clarke would die right then and there. He grasped her hand even tighter as if to drag her away from death until a few agonizing moments later, she opened her eyes, very much alive. Bellamy released his breath… and woke with a start.

Sitting up he tried to find the sense behind his dream. One thing he was sure of: It had definitely been Clarkes voice. It might have been raspy and had sounded tired but it had been her. Bellamy couldn't grasp why but somehow all of this left him utterly confused. How could a dream feel so… real? For an instant he had really believed that Clarke was out there somewhere, trying to talk to him.

Bellamy had never been one to believe in the interpretations of dreams. Still he had a feeling that had started with his nightmare the day before and had been growing ever since. It was almost as if his mind tried to tell him something. He just couldn't pinpoint it…yet. His gaze wandered to the small alarm clock on the metal table next to his bed. It was almost time to get up.

Deciding he wouldn't be able to get back to sleep anyway, Bellamy got up to get an early breakfast.


	3. Chapter 3 - You and Me or Us?

_**Chapter 3 – "You" and "Me" or "Us"?**_

To his surprise he found Raven was already awake too. She was sitting at their dining table but when she heard him come in, looked up from the lumpy substance that was to be their breakfast until the algae farm could produce enough nutrition for all of them.

Raven didn't say anything but merely raised an eyebrow at his sullen look. Not wanting to heighten her worries, Bellamy made an attempt to lighten the mood a bit: "Nothing like good old Ark breakfast, right?" Although she gave him a small smile, Raven wasn't got up to prepare his ration and having decided to use their time alone for a talk, she gestured for him to sit down.

Raven could only guess how he had to feel, but neither her nor the others could help Bellamy as long as he shut them out. Now might have been a good time to try and reach out for him. And as much as Raven wanted to help Bellamy because he was her friend, she also saw the other side of things: Bellamy needed to get out of his haze if he wanted to survive and lead them. Raven needed a reliable friend to lead the others.

As they sat down, Bellamy thanked her in a raspy voice but he didn't touch the food. When he realized she was watching him however, he slowly took the spoon and began to stir his breakfast; still, he didn't eat.

"Hey", Raven began softly. "You need to eat. Octavia would never want to see you like that."

The color of his eyes was almost down to black when he barked: "She's dead." Looking at him sympathetically, Raven tried again: "We don't know that. Last you heard she was safe. The bunker kept radiation out for almost a hundred years. You might feel like you have left her but truth is, you left her in a bunker that was safer than anything else. And she's not alone."

Raven looked into his eyes and - sure enough – could see the tiniest bit of hope in them. Bellamy straightened his back and tried to smile at her: "I guess you're right." "'Course I am. I'm always right." She answered in her mocking, self-confidential tone.

Bellamy reminded himself that he had to stop worrying about his sister for a while if he wanted them to get through this; he began to eat. Raven observed him for a while before carelessly adding: "Besides, Clarke wouldn't want you to starve either." As soon as the words left her lips she knew she should – for once – have kept her mouth shut. Bellamy let the spoon drop into the bowl with a loud clatter, got up and left without another word.

He wasn't angry at Raven at all. He knew she had meant it differently from the way it sounded and had only wanted to motivate him. But when he heard Clarkes name, Bellamy remembered that he had received more food, his bowl at that moment had been fuller, just like the other's bowls, because they had split up Clarkes share. The rations he was eating had in part been meant for her. She was the one who should be up here with them, not him.

Bellamy began to feel sick. With that sinking feeling in his stomach he just couldn't sit there, much less eat. Octavia might have been in a bunker and relatively safe but he had left Clarke all alone facing Praimfaya, unable to protect her in any way. Now she was dead and he would never get to say goodbye. Their last words to one another had been to hurry. It seemed so insignificant, so wasted considering these had been their parting words. There would have been so much more to say, so many things that mattered.

He lifted his gaze and realized his feet had carried him to the glass panel outside his room. His nose almost touched the glass as Bellamy gazed down on earth where Octavia and Clarke were either fighting for their lives or had lost against Praimfaya.

Suddenly he felt the familiar anger rising in his heart. Anger and frustration; for having been forced to leave them behind, for not being able to help them like he had vowed to himself. His emotions overwhelmed him once again and he let out an angry growl as he hit the glass with his balled fist and all his might. The glass, of course, didn't break or crack in any way.

Breathing heavily, Bellamy leaned against the panel with open palms. If only he could shatter the glass and jump down to earth; he would do it in a heartbeat. No matter how many fires would burn him, how much radiation would poison him… he would find them, fight for them and never again leave their side until he drew his last breath.

But this was reality and there was no way he could get down right now; no way to even contact the ground. There was nothing he could do and it frustrated Bellamy beyond anything he had ever felt.

When Raven found him, he was sitting with his back against the glass, staring off into nothing, his fists clenched tightly at his sides. His nails were digging into his palms, no doubt leaving bloody marks. "Bellamy" She spoke softly, trying not to startle him.

She understood how the loss of loved ones could change even the strongest spirit to a mere shell. But she was determined to not let her friend get that far. He only looked at her and she sat next to him, signaling that she wouldn't go anywhere.

"It's alright. I understand. I know how it feels like to blame yourself. But you don't have to. It wasn't your fault. And we'll get through this, find our way back and we WILL see them again."

He was silent for a moment, opening his mouth and closing it as if deciding whether to tell Raven what was bothering him; eventually, he began in a low voice: "I already knew it when we were on our first trip to save Jasper; when Clarke… she fell into a trap" Bellamy paused again, and Raven was about to ask _what_ he had known back then, when he continued, his eyes focused on something only he could see: "It happened so fast I could only react on instinct: The ground gave way under her and she fell. I reached out and grasped her arm just in time to keep her from getting speared."

 _As her head was bent down, looking at the sharp wooden stakes protruding from the ground right under her, he hesitated for the smallest fragment of time._

"I hesitated for the smallest instant. I thought maybe if I let her go, my sister could be save. I could be save." _But then her piercing blue eyes stared into his. They might have seemed icy and harsh, proud and stubborn before but now they were widened in fear. Time seemed to slow down as he realized something._

"She looked up, and I know she saw right through me." _Clarke saw his inner fight between his need to protect his sister and his instinct telling him to pull Clarke up..._

"All the distrust the others had shown towards me was needless because the moment she looked at me, I knew what I had to do." _He might not yet have been able to guess that someday, they would come to rely on each other or that she would become one of the most important people in his life. But he was damn sure that he would_ _never_ _let her fall._

Raven put a comforting hand on his shoulder: "You knew you wouldn't let her fall."

Bellamy nodded, gulping. "I knew back then; but I let her fall, Raven." His voice grew louder, along with his anger about himself: "I left her to die. I… I might as well have let her fall back then."

"Bell, you didn't let her fall. I know it feels like that; when Finn…" Raven stopped, feeling the familiar pain in her heart, but she quickly pushed it away and continued: "When he died, I beat myself up for a long time, thinking I should've done more. But the truth is, we all had no choice. Clarke stayed behind so we could live. She knew we needed you, so she let you go with us. She knew that if she asked, you would stay with her."

Raven held his shoulders and forced him to look at her as she continued more fiercely: "But Bellamy, staying on earth would have meant certain death for you. Clarke has nightblood. There is a chance she might survive. We have to hold on to that. If you give up now, she stayed behind in vain. We will get through this, and we WILL see them again." As Bellamy looked at her he saw her determination as she added: "ALL of them, do you hear me? And besides: Dying doesn't seem very much like our Princess to me."

Bellamy sighed and gave her the tiniest smile: "I suppose."

Raven clapped on his back: "Good man. Come on, we've got work to do." With that, she got up and turned to leave. "Hey Raven…" Bellamy called out to her, getting up too. She turned once more to look at him. "Thanks." Raven smiled: "I told you I'll always stay by your side. We can do this, Bellamy. But only with your help. We are all in this _together_ and we won't leave you." Raven held out her hand to help him up. And Bellamy took it. Grinning even more, she added in a mocking tone: "Mark my words, Blake." And with a slight laugh she was gone.

" _All we have to do, is pull this…" Bellamy didn't even hear the rest of what Monty said. His gaze was fixed on the monitor that showed his sister, surrounded by guards, their fingers ready on the trigger. Every hesitation from him or Clarke might kill Octavia… "My sister, my responsibility." His ever-present vow woke him from his stupor. Clarke was already standing there, a hand on the lever. He moved towards her when she began to plead; with them or her own conscience, he couldn't tell: "I have to save them." Bellamy caught her gaze, a silent understanding between them, as he gently placed his palm on top of hers. "Together". His voice was soft, yet determined. Their gaze fixed on the lever, they slowly pulled, thus changing their lives and both their souls forever. It was just an acoustic alarm at first, then the screens turned red and by the time Clarke and Bellamy came to the Mess Hall the final, ever-lasting magnitude of their decision came crushing down on them. He felt it within himself and knew Clarke felt the same: Something inside of them died on this day. Lines that could never be uncrossed had been jumped over. It would haunt them for the rest of their lives. And yet, Bellamy would never have chosen to let her do it alone. Only then had he fully realized that there had never really been a 'You' and a 'Me' when he and Clarke where concerned. It had always been 'Us'._

Now, she was gone and he had to lead alone. He shuddered when he thought of the last time Clarke had been gone and he had tried to do it on his own…

But somehow, he would have to unite what had once been their joined strengths within himself alone.


	4. Chapter 4 - The Mirror

**_Chapter 4 – The Mirror_**

On a late evening, a few days later, Bellamy sat at his desk, along with Raven and Monty, checking on the progress the algae farm had made. Monty began talking about how he had found a way to increase the effectiveness and showed them a sketch of his plans. Bellamy looked closer, trying to follow Monty's shoptalk. Deep in thought he lifted his hand to scratch his chin when he realized he had unconsciously grown a small beard. Bellamy hadn't wasted any thoughts on keeping clean or shaving. He had been too caught up in everything. Letting out a small huff, he decided it was time to take a bit more care of himself. Getting cleaned up might distract him a little and maybe make him feel better. After the three of them had finished their discussions and agreed to put Monty's plan into action, Bellamy made his way over to the men's lavatories.

Like everything on the Ark they had been built for practicability, not personal privacy or comfort. There were several shower cubicles in a row, all made of steel; on the opposite wall, wash basins with small mirrors above were lined up as well. He left the knife he had brought to shave himself in one of the basins. On the far end of the room there was a cupboard, half opened, no doubt left abandoned at the evacuation.

It contained several thin towels; regarding the chilly air, Bellamy took two of them and entered a cubicle. They only had limited water resources of course, so the shower was more like a slight rain. However, as he got out and wrapped the towels around himself, he felt better nonetheless. Stepping over to the wash basin and taking up his knife, he began to shave his chin carefully.

For a few blessed moments his mind was at ease, preoccupied with the simple task of shaving, and he cherished it. Until he looked into the mirror… and saw two faces and two pairs of eyes stare back at him from either side of his own.

One pair was more blue than green, the other as green as the forests in summer. One face was pale, the white shade accentuated by the light blonde hair that fell in slight waves; the other was tanned, black hair contrasting the blonde on the other side.

The hand holding his knife slipped, leaving a deep scratch on his left cheek before letting the knife fall into the basin with a loud clatter. Bellamy gasped and stumbled backwards but the vision was gone as fast as it had come. He blinked once, twice and stared into the mirror. But it showed him nothing apart from himself. As his breathing slowed, his focus left the background of the mirror and instead his gaze fell upon his own pale face. A streak of red caught his eye. He felt the blood on his cheek where he had cut himself. With trembling fingers he tried to wipe it away.

Not daring to look into the mirror again, Bellamy snatched his clothes from the floor and hurried out of the room and back into his own. His room where he knew there was no mirror. He didn't even put on his clothes, not even feeling the chill on his skin from running through the Ark with only a towel wrapped around his waist.

It was only when he had entered the safe space of his room that Bellamy put on his clothes. However, he left as quickly as he came; trying to find one of the others. Bellamy didn't want to be alone; couldn't stand to be alone right now. He suddenly felt that as long as he was alone, the ghosts of his past might find him anywhere at any time. Bellamy blindly stumbled through the hallways until he practically bumped into Raven.

"Ouch, watch where you're…." she began to grumble, but stopped short when she saw his face. "Hey, are you ok?" When he didn't answer and just stared at her with a haunted look in his eyes, she tried again, her voice a little softer: "Bell, what happened?"

His name seemed to resonate within him, and his gaze focused on her. "I…" His voice came out as a raspy whisper. Bellamy cleared his throat, trying to focus on talking instead of the vision he had seen. "I… I just…" But by now, Raven had started to fully take in his half-shaved face and the cut on his cheek; she interrupted him, concern and alarm lacing her voice: "Why the cut? Where did it come from?"

"No, no… the cut…my fault… tried to shave, the knife slipped…" he rambled on. Raven asked again, even more confused: "But if it was just an accident, what happened that shook you so badly? Why do you look like you've seen a ghost?"

There was silence before Bellamy slowly mumbled: "Maybe I have." Raven shook her head as she questioned again: "What do you mean?" He didn't answer and instead asked her with a strange urgency in his voice: "Where are the others?" "Down in the dining hall, why? What's going on Bellamy?" His behavior began to irritate her more and more. But before she got a real answer, Bellamy turned on his heels and ran off to find the others.

Utterly confused, she followed him, and later that evening, tried to ask him again about earlier. But Bellamy would not tell her anymore. Even though she still didn't understand, Raven felt it was private somehow. So she let him be, didn't ask anymore and during the six years on the Ring, Bellamy never mentioned the incident again. From this day on, he carefully avoided looking into a mirror. He let his beard grow a little, only trimming it with his knife to keep the length the same, so he wouldn't have to use any of the mirrors again. For six years, Bellamy Blake didn't look at his reflection, fearing that the ghosts of his past would find him again.


	5. Chapter 5 - Shooting Stars

_**Chapter 5 – Shooting Stars and Bittersweet Memories**_

His room was just as silent as the dropship they had returned to after their fight against the grounders. Bellamy remembered the sinking feeling in his stomach when he realized Clarke wasn't there anymore. _He swallowed past the lump in his throat when he saw Abby scratching a message on the wall of the empty dropship. She wouldn't leave before doing it._ Bellamy had been glad she had left the message because it had helped Clarke to find them. _Clarke, please come home._ The words scratched on the metal appeared before his inner eye as Bellamy stared into his room without really seeing it. He recited the words in his mind. Instinctively he turned, got out of the room and stood in front of the window. Watching the still smoldering surface of the earth, Bellamy spoke in a low, soft voice: "Clarke, please come home. Come back to us." He knew he shouldn't, not now; he needed to be stronger than that. But somehow, calling out for her, talking to her in a way made him feel better.

Looking up into the endlessness of space, Bellamy's eyes widened when he saw a shooting star, shining bright before burning up as it entered earth's atmosphere…

" _Can you wish on this kind of shooting star?... Forget it." He turned his head to look at her before focusing his gaze on the lights in the sky again: "I wouldn't even know what to wish for."_

Now, right here in this moment, sitting at his window, staring down at Earth, he didn't need a second to know what his wish would be.

" _Loosing you, the others…the war… it changed him."_

"It changed me" Bellamy swallowed as tears once more leaked from behind his closed eyelids, his head still resting on the window as if he could somehow reach out to her. In a low whisper he spoke to the earth below: "Looking to you, Princess… And always will. Because I don't know how to do this without you."

It was a while before he went to at least get some rest. He didn't think he would fall asleep, which was why he didn't immediately recognize the next things he saw as a dream: Finding himself waking up in front of a small fire in the woods. Judging by the damp, crisp air, Bellamy guessed it would only be one, maybe two more hours before the sunrise. He looked up from the flames to see Clarke watching him, numerous scars on her face. Somewhere in his subconsciousness he guessed it would be the night they had set out from Camp Jaha to find Finn and Murphy, but something felt off. Why was it him lying there and Clarke staring at him?

Her voice was soft, no trace of anger or reproach fullness as Bellamy would have expected: "The last time I saw you, you were already sitting in the rocket, leaving earth without me."

Bellamy swallowed as he still tried to realize what was so off about the conversation. But as it always happens in dreams, thoughts become too slow to grasp what is happening. He was still staring at her when Clarke continued: "Had to be done." And Bellamy just continued to look at her, slowly realizing what she wanted to tell him. "You mean… Clarke, can you forgive me?" She slowly nodded, a sad smile on her lips. Acting on instinct, Bellamy got up to hug her, but just as he did, his eyes flew open and he realized it had all been a dream. Staring at the all too familiar walls of his room, his smile faded a little, but for the first time in weeks, Bellamy felt he could keep it for the tiniest bit. He felt a little lighter. Somewhere deep down his dream had made him realize Clarke wouldn't want him to beat himself up every waking moment for a decision that had to be made for the greater good. A decision she would no doubt have made too, even with a heavy heart and the feeling of guilt and self-doubt. That night, Bellamy set himself a new goal: To lead the others in Clarkes absence, just like she would've done. He wanted to honor her sacrifice by leading with the same strength, and courage, and commitment Clarke had always shown. He softly whispered: "May we meet again."

* * *

The next morning, as he was on his way for breakfast, Raven led him a few steps away from the others and began in a conspiratorial voice: "Do you want to give them the good news or shall I?"

Bellamy raised an eyebrow: "What good news?" Raven huffed: "Seriously, Bellamy, haven't you looked at our plans?" He just stared at her blankly. "Or our time schedules?" When he continued to look at her with innocent ignorance, she huffed, but explained: "We're ahead of our plan. Actually, we could afford a day off. For everyone." Bellamy was skeptical: "You sure we can? I mean if something goes wrong, we might need - " "Bellamy, they could all use a break. Ever since we learned about Praimfaya, we were on the run. _I_ could use a break." Bellamy thought for a moment, and Raven added: "Besides, it would do you good, too. You don't exactly look that healthy, you know." As he opened his mouth to protest, she pointed a finger at him: "Don't you deny it, Blake." Bellamy couldn't help but smile at her. Maybe they could really afford a break. At least a small one. "You got me."

Raising his voice, he addressed the others: "Guys, Raven has some good news for us. We are ahead of our schedules. That means we can have the day off." "Sweet, Blake. Bringing good news at least once." Murphy's comment earned a laugh from the others, and Bellamy allowed himself to smile as Murphy winked at him. The guy had become much more… social since he had joined their group; together with Emori. Bellamy sometimes still felt surprised at his change of behavior.

They spent most of their day sitting together, conversing about the things they were missing: the sunrise, the rain, the lush but still dangerous nature… all the while carefully avoiding the subject of _whom_ they were missing. Until their first days on earth came up, their rough landing and Murphy, without any harmful intentions, laughed at the moment when Bellamy wanted to open the dropship door and Clarke had so harshly crashed his heroic moment, starting a fight before she even knew him. At the mention of her name, everyone fell silent and their eyes involuntarily turned to Bellamy, who was staring off into nothing. When he realized six pairs of eyes were on him however, he slowly shook his head and looked at Murphy. To everyone's surprise, he had to smile the tiniest bit: "Well, we sure got to know her back then already, even if we didn't realize it yet."

The tension they had all felt loosened a bit; after a few moments of silence Emori, looking at her companions with honest interest, began to speak up carefully: "I didn't really get to know Clarke. I mean, we spent time together at Becca's lab, but I felt she wasn't… really herself. She was fighting for survival."

Bellamy had to smile the tiniest bit despite the bittersweet feelings he had. "Yes, she did." Everyone's eyes turned to him again; none of the others had really expected for Bellamy to begin talking about her.

He stopped for a moment, caught up in memories, not realizing everyone was watching him expectantly. _It had always been the small moments where Clarke had unexpectedly caught his attention: "I am become death…Destroyer of worlds."_

Quietly he began: "It was easy to see she was smart; in the small moments. She never tried to sound like a know-it-all; she was really intelligent, in every way. And she was a born leader _."_

" _So pack your things. Just take what you can carry. Now!" And with that everyone began to pack as if Bellamy had never said anything before..._

"She could quiet and convince a crowd of frightened teenagers in mere seconds. She was also very stubborn..." _He forced her to look at him: "Leaders do what they think is right." Determination in her eyes, she answered plainly: "I am"._

"…stubborn and brave, but that along with her inner strength have always been the things that have kept us alive."

" _You don't have the guts to make the hard choices. I do." His own words were resonating in his head as he watched Clarke, horrified but somehow mesmerized by what he saw: She was humming a soft tune, trying to comfort Atom as he was gasping in pain. Just as softly and smooth as her voice sounded, she pushed the knife he had handed her sideways into Atoms throat, ending his pain. The princess had done what he couldn't._

" _Brave princess" he had mockingly called her before. But in every mockery a small spark of truth is hidden. He had already seen that she might turn out as a force to be reckoned with. Now, however, as they were kneeling next to Atoms dead body, Clarke, the princess, had unknowingly earned the Rebel's respect. And because it was grounded on such a fundamental struggle – finding the strength to survive but still preserve humanity – it was a respect that, although it might sway once in a while, could never be broken._

In many ways, Clarke possessed traits that were very different from the girls he knew before. But maybe, that had been what had seemingly pulled him towards her without realizing it. _Clarke, we all miss you._

Ravens voice pulled him out of his thoughts: "To Clarke; our leader… and our friend." Her voice shook a little but she raised her cup of moonshine nonetheless. The others followed suit. Only Bellamy remained silent until he had emptied his cup; he turned to look out the window and lowly added: "May we meet again."

 _He had gone out to instruct the guys who would take the next watch. That was when he saw her standing there, alone, staring off into the woods. He stepped up next to her. "Anything?" he asked. She shook her head and sighed: "It's been two days. Maybe the bomb at the bridge scared them off for good." He could hear she didn't really mean what she was saying: "You believe that?" As he looked at her from the side, she only shook her head again and answered with a simple "No. They're coming." Bellamy studied her face for a few more moments before he turned away. "Jasper thinks he can cook up some more gunpowder if he gets some sulfur." As they stepped down the small hill towards camp he continued: "And Raven says she can turn that into landmines, so…" He paused, looking back at her, putting on a mischievous smile: "Be careful where you step."_ It was just a small laugh that had come as a response but he now realized it had been all too rare, yet so easily forgotten. And although she had responded with a sarcastic "Funny", Bellamy had been glad to hear her laugh for just the smallest of moments.

Staring into the endlessness of space, recalling one of her few smiles, something began to resonate within Bellamy; he needed a moment to realize what it was, because he hadn't felt it in so long: It was just a tiny spark of … hope. He didn't know why, but at that moment, as he had shared his memories with the others, Clarke somehow seemed to be more alive to him than she had during all the other days since Praimfaya.

So often Bellamy had thought he had lost Clarke… When he had found out she and Finn had been captured by the grounders, his stomach had already dropped. But she had returned and even though they hadn't been so close yet, he still felt hugely relieved. Back then he had already learned that leadership was a burden that was easier to carry on two shoulders. And Clarke, through all their fights and their likewise stubbornness, had proven to be a strong shoulder.

In their fight against the grounders, she had closed the dropship door and turned the battlefield into a deadly inferno. Clarke had left him because she had to save the many. Very much like when he had closed the hatch of the rocket and left her to another inferno they called Praimfaya. Bellamy almost smiled at the irony of both of them having to face the same decision.

Back then he didn't allow himself to think of the possibility that Clarke and the others might be dead. Not until he had been faced with the empty dropship. Bellamy had begun to lose hope until he had found Octavia again. As they had returned to Camp Jaha, so did Clarke. She always came back. Somehow, she never really left him. The spark he had tried to keep hidden suddenly ignited in his chest as Bellamy remembered how often he had wrongly thought her dead. The Princess had proven him wrong time and time again. Maybe, just maybe he could hold onto that.


	6. Chapter 6 - If you can hear me

_**Chapter 6 – "If you can hear me…"**_

They had been on the Ring for two weeks and Bellamy had started to bury his emotions somewhere inside of him, deciding he couldn't afford to get that distracted again.

He remained focused on his tasks, not talking about anything else.

But what happened on their fourteenth day in space would change everything for Bellamy once again: He and Raven were sitting in their makeshift office, the table littered with notes, tablets and the ever-present radio. From day one on the Ring, they had kept it turned on, occasionally trying to find a signal that might come from the bunker or even Clarke.

Just as Bellamy was about to ask Raven about their progress on the repair works Harper had been doing, the radio crackled. Bellamy felt his heart jump. Raven quickly began to fiddle with the radio, trying to get a clear signal. For a few agonizingly long seconds, all they heard was static.

And then suddenly a voice came through, and Bellamy's heart stopped for an instant when he recognized whom the voice belonged to: "-llamy, if you can hear me… It has been fourteen days since Praimfaya. Or so I think. I can't be sure. I got back to Becca's lab just in time, but the radiation had already caught up with me. For the first few days I was only half awake… It's only thanks to nightblood I am still alive…" She stopped for a while, as if she herself still needed time to gather her thoughts.

Bellamy felt a tear run down his cheek as the truth finally sank in. "Clarke… you're alive." He looked up to see Raven looking at him, the biggest grin he had ever seen on her splitting her face before she jumped at him and hugged him tightly. "She did it!" she laughed into his shoulder but was shushed by Bellamy who slowly let her go as Clarke began talking again: "I can't seem to get any signal from the bunker or from you. But maybe, just maybe you can still hear me up there. I keep holding onto that hope, because right now, this is the only chance for me to talk to someone. Or at least believe I am talking to someone.

So, _if_ you can hear me, Bellamy, remember what I said, remember what you need to do. No matter how hopeless it may seem, just keep on fighting. I know you can do it and I am waiting for you down here. I am sure Octavia is waiting for you too. I guess we both are just too stubborn to die."

"Damn right you are, princess." His voice was raspy but he almost had to laugh at himself for using her old nickname; the name he had given her ages ago.

Clarke continued: "I'll try to keep you updated as often as possible." She stopped for another moment, then went on as Bellamy could hear her laugh slightly: "Seems stupid, promising to talk to… well probably no one. But if you really are out there, stay safe." There was another pause and Bellamy thought she was gone, but then he heard her again, her voice breaking ever so slightly, revealing her true emotions: "May we meet again."

Bellamy blinked and waited, but they heard no more. God knew, it was enough. He didn't even realize it, but in his elevation he had hugged Raven once more. He held her so tightly she soon began to wriggle out of his grip, still laughing at him: "What did I say to you? Commander of Death indeed. Even the death wave was no match for Clarke."

He felt the corners of his mouth twitch upward; Bellamy hadn't smiled in so long it almost hurt. There had been one other moment when he had felt almost as elevated as he did right now. He closed his eyes as the memory came back to him.

 _It had happened so unexpectedly._ _One moment he was talking to Abby and handing the two wounded girls, Mel and Monroe, over to her for medical treatment. Then suddenly he saw_ _her._ _The moment they locked eyes she ran straight into his arms, faster than he could realize, hugging him tightly. At that instant he had felt so elated at having his co-leader, his team-mate and, yes, his friend, back._

 _And he felt safe. Bellamy had to laugh at his sister's ironic remark, because it referred to fights between him and Clarke that simply didn't matter anymore. They had only helped them to survive and Bellamy was just thankful for every single discussion. Of course, the Princess had come back. She was too stubborn to die. Bellamy huffed slightly before letting her go._

His smile faded as he remembered the horrible things that had followed this rare moment of happiness

 _After greeting Octavia warmly, Clarkes expression turned grave as she realized Finn was missing. No words were needed for her to grasp how bad a sign this was…_ Bellamy shook his head in sadness as he remembered just how much bloodshed and death this all had led to. And how much it had cost Clarke in the end…

 _Bellamys heart was already racing from all the tension and their rushed escape from Arkadia. But it actually missed a beat, only to throb violently when Finn entered the dropship with an unconscious Clarke in his arms. Bellamy immediately sprang into action. He helped Finn to lower her to the floor and growled hurried instructions at the others. They just didn't seem to work fast enough for him. He quickly checked Clarke's breathing, and was relieved to find her chest rising and falling slightly, but evenly._

He had lost count how many times he had feared for Clarkes life that day. Bellamy had been worried about her wound and when they took Finn and she got up from behind their cover. He had wanted to stop her as she made her way through the rows of armed grounders on her way to plead with Lexa in a desperate try to save Finns life. He had wanted to protect her when she stood up against Indra, the grounder warriors spear piercing her stomach, and when she had been talking to Lexa. But he didn't get the chance and in the end, Clarke had only proven once again to him how strong she was, how dedicated to saving the rest of the 100 and yet how much she was willing to pay to preserve the tiniest bit of humanity.

 _Bellamy was holding Raven in his arms, trying to give her something, anything to hold onto. But his gaze remained fixed on Clarke. He could only imagine the tiniest bit of what she had to be going through right now. That night, he swore to himself that he would never again allow her to have to face such a decision alone. They were both leaders and Bellamy would stick with her, share the burden. He_ _couldn't_ _let her face it all alone anymore. Clarke had become his friend and he had come to rely on her just as she relied on him._ Little, he thought, had he known then how often and in how many ways their friendship would be tested. But that night, he had made a silent oath to stay by her side, no matter what.

Bellamy still regretted to have left Clarke on earth, but the happiness of knowing she was waiting for them was simply so much bigger. He resolved to keep to his oath as best as he could and find a way back down, no matter how long it would take him.

Another smile came across his face as he heard Raven talk about telling the others and saw her hurrying out of the room as fast as she could. But he just stood there, staring at the radio. If only he could talk to her… "Raven!" he called, but she was out of earshot, so he stayed where he was.

Soon enough the others rushed in, hugging each other and laughing; there hadn't been a more genuine happiness on the Ark in a very long time.

Everyone was chatting at once, enjoying their little party, but Bellamy had only one thing in mind. He made his way over to Raven, who also stood alone with a cup of moonshine in her hand. She seemed lost in thought. "Hey" Bellamy addressed her softly, not wanting to startle her.

When she focused her gaze on him, he continued, smiling slightly: "A penny for your thoughts." Raven chuckled lightly and Bellamy went on: "I bet they're the same as mine." "Now you _do_ have my attention, Blake." She mocked, apparently waiting for his guess. Bellamy lowered his voice: "How can we talk back to her?"

Raven smiled: "Well you got that right. As it happens, because I'm the genius I am…" She made a dramatic pause, causing Bellamy to roll his eyes, "… I've already got an idea. But it will be extra working hours. And I need Monty's and your help. Up for the challenge Blake?"

Bellamy lightly hit her arm in mock indignation. "Whatever it takes."

She smiled: "I take that as a Yes." Bellamy pulled her into a hug. "Thanks, Raven. I mean it. I couldn't have done this without you." "No worries." She pulled back to look at him before she went on: "We all carry our scars and wounds. What's important is that we don't give up. Life is always worth fighting for it." Bellamy nodded and hugged her once more, silently grateful to have such great friends around him. He turned to once more look out the window as Raven went to join the others.

With a smile, Bellamy whispered: "We _will_ meet again."


End file.
